The VERB Writing Ezine - August '07

CLEANING UP PROSE

Books don't come with subtitles. When we launch into another language, our readers are left to do one of three things:

1) Skip over the foreign lines.
2) Set aside the book in search of a translator.
3) Read something else.

Owing to the fact that all three options take readers away from the story, none are acceptable. Why not just give them a hint of what's happening?

EXAMPLE:
A man with two small children waved his arms and shouted, "C'è il servizio ristorante sulla nave? C'è il servizio ristorante sulla nave?"
They ignored him.

CLEANED UP:
A man with two small children waved his arms and shouted, "C'è il servizio ristorante sulla nave? C'è il servizio ristorante sulla nave?"
Would it have killed them to tell the man whether he could eat on the ship?

EXAMPLE:
Rachel, who loves irony, found it especially amusing to ask him, "Haben Sie Programme auf Englisch?"
We all got a kick out of that.

CLEANED UP:
Rachel, who loves irony, found it especially amusing to ask him, in German, if they had any English-speaking programs. We all got a kick out of that.

EXAMPLE:
He took her hand and spoke ever so softly, "Bonjour. Je m'appelle Pierre. Comment t'appelles-tu?"
Feeling faint, she dropped onto the damask settee. "Isn't it funny," she said. "I can't seem to remember."

CLEANED UP:
   He took her hand and spoke ever so softly, "Bonjour. Je m'appelle Pierre. Comment t'appelles-tu?"
   Pierre. His name was Pierre.
   Feeling faint, she dropped onto the damask settee. "My name?" she said. "Isn't it funny, I can't seem to remember."

He took her hand and spoke in French ever so softly, "Hello. My name is Pierre. What is your name?"

Are those chapters blurring together?
Reserve another pair of eyes.

SAMPLE OF EXCELLENCE

So he tortured himself, fretting himself with such questions, and finding a kind of enjoyment in it. And yet all these questions were not new ones suddenly confronting him, they were old familiar aches.

It was long since they had first begun to grip and rend his heart. Long, long ago his present anguish had its first beginnings; it had waxed and gathered strength, it had matured and concentrated, until it had taken the form of a fearful, frenzied and fantastic question, which tortured his heart and mind, clamouring insistently for an answer.

Now his mother's letter had burst on him like a thunderclap. It was clear that he must not now suffer passively, worrying himself over unsolved questions, but that he must do something, do it at once, and do it quickly.

- FYODOR DOSTOYEVSKY
Crime and Punishment

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