Tired of writing stories and having people read them? Fed up with winning contracts, contests and compliments for the words you choose? Sick of telling people what you do for a living and having them stare in awe?

You don’t have to put up with this abuse any longer. Fight back! Learn the tactics, kinda based on Sun Tzu’s masterpiece, The Art of War, that will get readers off your back once and for all.

TOP TEN WAYS TO LOSE YOUR READERS

1. Give them an unsympathetic protag. The last thing you want is readers rooting for the lead character, caring about her predicament. Be forewarned, if you use that maneuver, you’ll never get rid of those pesky perusers. Always opt for the laziest, the vilest, the shallowest person you can conjure. And have her spit a lot.

2. Make them re-read every sentence. Let’s be clear: it’s deadly to be clear. Your readers are desperate to understand the people and the world you’ve created. If you describe these things in smooth, concise statements, you might as well call yourself a writer. Don’t be afraid to employ run-on sentences, to vary tenses, to switch names, to omit punctuation, to leap in and out of POVs like a frog on crack. Oh, and don't forget to slip into another language now and then, just to keep them on their toes.

3. Load them up with backstory. What’s going on with Joe Blow from Idaho right now? Who cares? Go back ten, twenty, fifty years. Start at the time he slipped from the womb and cover every aspect of his life up to the current moment. That’ll teach 'em.

4. Steer clear of conflict. Remember, you don’t want no trouble. Run from it. Deny its existence. Stuff it under the rug. To confront it is to encourage excitement, curiosity and edge-of-the-seat anticipation. Bad, bad elements.

5. Drown them with clichés. Overused phrases are boring and predictable. The perfect combination! At all costs, avoid the urge to hover your fingers over the keyboard until the brain turns a new phrase. Type the first thing that comes to mind. And quickly. The less thought applied to it, the better.

6. Stand still. Make sure characters remain in the same place as long as possible. Have them stare, gaze, look and peer for hours on end. Then have them think, study, analyze, weigh, ponder and wonder for, oh, at least another chapter.

7. Climb up on a soapbox. Nobody likes to be preached to. So you know what to do.

8. Get lost. A plot is the obstacle-ridden path a character takes to accomplish her goal. Yours, therefore, should consist of unbelievable coincidences, illogical motivations, Divine Intervention or anything else that doesn’t seem remotely feasible within the confines of the story. Bad plotting run amok. Brilliant!

9. Fall in love with the sound of your words. Don't act out a single scene. Summarize, summarize, summarize. If it’s heard, felt, tasted, seen or spoken, wrap it up in a neat little package of narrative and kick it to the curb. The minute you let your readers into the room, experiencing stuff firsthand, you are screwed. They're not leaving.

10. Never end the thing. If you do decide to include a resolution to the major conflict, don't, for the love of Mike, end it soon afterward. No, follow that lead character around for another decade or so just for the heck of it. And then tack on a thick Epilogue for good measure.

Enact this strategy, and soon readers will hurl your writings across the room, groaning in defeat. Obscurity is yours!