The VERB Writing Ezine - June '07

CLEANING UP PROSE

The beauty of reading a story is watching it unfold right before your eyes. Who knows what lurks around the corner or over the hill or under the sea? Well, you, the author, do, but you’re supposed to keep it to yourself. Otherwise, you kill the suspense.

If you find your characters talking about doing things, rather than doing things—stop! Your plotting is showing. Let your characters, as well as your readers, cross those bridges when they come to them.

EXAMPLE:
Once he reached the station, he would park across the street and walk around to the back door. He would peek through the windows, listening for voices, and methodically test each window and door. If all was quiet, he’d then …

CLEANED UP:
When he reached the station, he parked across the street and walked around to the back door. He peeked through the windows, listening for voices, and methodically tested each window and door.

EXAMPLE:
Tina knew how it’d go. She could already see the phony smile, hear the phony concern as she rang the doorbell. “Hey girl!” she’d probably say. “I didn’t know who was at my door this early in the morning. Come in here. Want some coffee?” Tina would smile and walk in and say, “Thanks.” Maybe, if she found her nerve, she'd do it there at the door. “Celia, are you sleeping with my husband?”

CLEANED UP:
“Hey girl!” Celia said. “I didn’t know who was at my door this early in the morning. Come in here. Want some coffee?”

Tina stepped inside, summoning her nerve. “Celia, are you sleeping with my husband?”

EXAMPLE:
Sipping coffee, Bill thought about what he’d do tomorrow. First, he’d take the gun from under the bed and tuck it in his cowboy boot. And then he’d tell Marge he’s going to load hay, but he’d really head west on Highway 27 toward Elliot’s place. He wouldn’t care if anyone was around. He’d walk right into his office and point the gun right in his face. The old lying thief would beg for his life, for sure, while all the time reaching for his gun beneath his desk. But Bill wouldn’t let him get away with that.

CLEANED UP:
Bill took the gun from under the bed and tucked it in his cowboy boot.

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SAMPLE OF EXCELLENCE

"Now," said my uncle, as soon as he had completed this important preparation, "let us see about the baggage. It must be divided into three separate parcels, and each of us must carry one on his back. I allude to the more important and fragile articles."

My worthy and ingenious uncle did not appear to consider that we came under the denomination.

"Hans," he continued, "you will take charge of the tools and some of the provisions; you, Harry, must take possession of another third of the provisions and of the arms. I will load myself with the rest of the eatables, and with the more delicate instruments."

"But," I exclaimed, "our clothes, this mass of cord and ladders-who will undertake to carry them down?"

"They will go down of themselves."

"And how so?" I asked.

"You shall see."

My uncle was not fond of half measures, nor did he like anything in the way of hesitation. Giving his orders to Hans he had the whole of the nonfragile articles made up into one bundle; and the packet, firmly and solidly fastened, was simply pitched over the edge of the gulf.

I heard the moaning of the suddenly displaced air, and the noise of falling stones. My uncle leaning over the abyss followed the descent of his luggage with a perfectly self-satisfied air, and did not rise until it had completely disappeared from sight.

"Now then," he cried, "it is our turn."

I put it in good faith to any man of common sense-was it possible to hear this energetic cry without a shudder?

- JULES VERNE
Journey to the Center of the Earth

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