I am Professor Write-A-Lot and I now possess this corner of The VERB because I know everything about writing. See, I have a stick. Only those who know everything about writing are allowed a stick.

Do come in. Please ignore the scattered manuscripts, step over the stacked books and avoid the dog's bone. You have a question, do you? Very well. Ask away, and I shall share my brilliance!

Dear Professor Write-A-Lot,
I have written what I thought were Historical Romance novels . . . set mainly during the War of Independence. Despite this, I am not sure if my works fit into a particular Romance category. Is there any criteria for defining the "Romance" novel? Mine are gritty and realistic as befitting the times, and with the obstacles to the main protagonists and their love woven throughout. So I am wondering if I should classify them as Mainstream rather than Romance? And what is Mainstream anyway? Confused.

My, I do enjoy a hearty questioner! Prepare oneself, then, to feel confused no more. <Clears throat.> A romance is a story about two people falling in love. The mating ritual—that exquisite mystery, that universal pleasure—is the driving force. A great romance allows us to experience the ebb and flow of sexual tension: the flirting, the fighting, the making up, the conquering of conflicts, the longing, the anticipation of the future. And, if done well, it might teach us a thing or two about our concept of love.

That is not to say the lovebirds reside within a rosy bubble. The outside world—be it past, present or future—should penetrate, but always in a secondary capacity. The unflinching focus is the pursuit of the relationship.

In this case, our lovers have been dropped into a war, which is an extremely popular maneuver. The two most romanticized events in American history are the Revolutionary War and the Civil War. Why? They promise great conflict. But be forewarned! One can easily lose oneself among the devastating battles, the brave soldiers, the poetic language, and other riveting aspects of this long ago world. Rather than simply add a substantive milieu, these historical facts could actually take over the story and push the love affair so deep into the background, it becomes irrelevant. If this happens, one is no longer within the realm of romance.

Thus leading us, ever so gently, to the second portion of the question. Should one hop off the Romance wagon and hitch a ride with the Mainstream Express? Of course this is impossible to answer definitively without reading the manuscript. Suffice to say, the Mainstream category encompasses stories not easily defined. They have a wide appeal, usually character-driven, yet transcend all known genres. If one's story contains a dash of drama, a dash of comedy, a touch of romance, a hint of mystery, etc., but not one of these elements looms above all others—one's story would fit comfortably on the Mainstream track.

Thereby, ask oneself: When are my lovebirds introduced? If it is not in the first chapter, one's focus is elsewhere. Revise, or reclassify, accordingly.

Dear Professor Write-A-Lot,
If a literary agent rejects me, why shouldn't I want my manuscript returned?

It's a matter of finances and human nature. You will have to pay for return postage, and after awhile that could become quite costly. Your manuscript will most likely return in bad shape, making it impossible to re-use. People naturally drink, eat, smoke and even bathe while reading. Accidents happen. Let it go.

Incidentally, allow me to correct a prevalent yet misguided notion. Literary agents do not reject you, they reject your submission. Never confuse the two. Never let it stop you from trying again.

Dear Professor Write-A-Lot,
My main character has entered a crowd, and I feel dizzy. How do I go about describing that many people?

First, one must establish the importance of the crowd. If the character intentionally faces a group of people, such as popping into a party or a courtroom, he would naturally notice specifics. In these cases, where the pace has slowed, the insertion of facial expressions, attire, mannerisms and overheard conversations would be altogether fitting.

If, however, he simply moves through the crowd, such as chasing a thief through a mall or running toward a burning house, he would not notice those around him. In these cases, where the pace is much faster, the wisest course is to show the crowd as simply a barrier between himself and his goal. Follow his focus.

Dear Professor Write-A-Lot,
What's the most important thing for a writer to do in the first chapter?

Show a character in motion. It’s an indisputable fact human beings like to watch other human beings. No matter how sensational your fictional world may be, it won’t connect until you’ve given it a human element.

Dear Professor Write-A-Lot,
Is ladder a verb?
It is. One may ladder a wall whenever one likes. In some areas of the world, one may also ladder one's apparel. He laddered his sock so it must've been a bad injury.

Oddly enough, I receive many questions concerning what is and what is not a verb, and I can only attribute this curiosity to the title of this ezine. I don't believe I need to say that had one consulted a dictionary, one would've received an answer much quicker.

Herewith, a few online dictionaries one should bookmark. Refer to them when one doesn't wish to leave one's seat to grab the literal one from the shelf. (One does have a literal one on the shelf, yes?)

The Free Dictionary
Dictionary.com
Merriam Webster

Dear Professor Write-A-Lot,
What do you think about prologues?

I think them unnecessary, and have been known to zip past them with the speed of a frightened squirrel. The debate exists within the writing industry whether folk still read prologues. I suspect as long as writers write them, some readers will read them. Let's see, shall we? Our poll this month asks just that. I'm curious to see the results.

Ask Professor Write-A-Lot!