I am Professor Write-A-Lot and I now possess this corner of The VERB because I know everything about writing. See, I have a stick. Only those who know everything about writing are allowed a stick.

Do come in. Please ignore the scattered manuscripts, step over the stacked books and avoid the dog's bone. One has a question, does one? Very well. Ask away, and I shall share my brilliance!

Dear Professor Write-A-Lot,
I've got this important character in my story who's a cop. But I'm not a cop and I don't know any cops. Because of this, I'm having a hell'va time with his dialogue. What does he say to other cops when he comes up on a guy with a gun? Or what does he say when he's being shot at? Do you know of any place I could go to get genuine cop radio dialogue?

One could tune in to the unscripted reality show COPS. Cameras record men and women of law enforcement in the line of duty. One would quickly see that when a police officer is in a state of emergency, he does not waste time with words. Lives are at stake. If he finds himself at the business end of a gun, he will not take the time to describe it. He will typically shout, "Gun!" If an officer is shot, he will typically announce, "Shots fired! Officer down!" This immediately tells the dispatcher, and officers in the area, a comrade is in serious trouble.

But this ignores the larger picture. One must remember, dear storyteller, that before the police officer becomes a police officer, he is a human being. Begin there. Once one knows the man behind the badge, one will know exactly how he will speak under all circumstances.

For further research into the world of law enforcement, visit this forum and this forum.  

Dear Professor Write-A-Lot,
When is it important to worry about tense?

The moment one commences writing. A storyteller must decide at the outset whether one will tell the story in present, past or, heaven forbid, future. To vary this creates reader confusion.

Dear Professor Write-A-Lot,
If I lose a writing contest, should I contact the judges and thank them all the same?

Such a courtesy is neither necessary nor expected. Such a courtesy, however, is always appreciated. Follow one's heart.

Dear Professor Write-A-Lot,
How do I write "my wife's ex-mother-in-law's wedding gown" without sounding all awkward and stuff. Thanks!

A few choices:

It was the wedding gown of my wife's ex-mother-in-law.

My wife's wedding gown came from her ex-mother-in-law.

"Oh, Gertrude, your gown is beautiful."
"Thanks. Tallulah gave it to me."
"Who?"
"My ex-mother-in-law."

Dear Professor Write-A-Lot,
I'm always struggling with actions. Look at this excerpt, please. What would you suggest to make it sound, or maybe flow, better?

Lieutenant Richard Hurley stared into the cracked mirror as he stroked the goatee that hid the scar on the left end of his chin. He smiled as he looked closely at his teeth, then stepped back as he admired his clean blue uniform as well as his flashing scabbard and his knee-high boots.

Captain Baldwin walked in, grinning as he stood behind him. "Are you sure that you know what you're doing?"

Richard glanced at him through the mirror as he combed his hair. "Why do you ask that? What happened?"

"That old man in the rocker in the living room, Pappy?" Baldwin said as he grabbed a chair and threw his leg over it. "He thinks we're here to conquer his chickens."

Richard laughed as he straightened his hat and put on his gloves. "Never mind the crazy old man. Will she see me?"

One immediately notices the proliferation of the conjunction as, used here to connect two or more activities. Unless these men turn out to be circus acts, or two one-man bands, their actions need not always occur simultaneously.

Slow down. Utilize periods and commas. These marks subliminally convey to the reader that one action follows another.

To wit:

Lieutenant Richard Hurley stared into the cracked mirror. He checked his teeth, stroked the goatee over the scar on his chin. A step back, he admired his clean blue uniform, flashing scabbard, knee-high boots.

Captain Baldwin walked in, grinning. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"What happened?"

"That old man, Pappy?" Baldwin threw his leg over a chair. "He thinks we're here to conquer his chickens."

Richard laughed as he straightened his hat. "Never mind the crazy old man. Will she see me?"

Ask Professor Write-A-Lot!